So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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