I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
