I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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