I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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