Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
