I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
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