Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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