he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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