Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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