if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the condom got lost in my hair
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
