thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
