my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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