dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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