I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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