the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
