You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
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