her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If that was your dad, he is hot
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm always down for nudity.
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