In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
