I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
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i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
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Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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