you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
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