Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
