My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
