Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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