I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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