In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
