I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
