margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
