Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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