Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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