im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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