Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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