fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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