What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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