Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
