Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
