words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Randomize
