I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
