I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
