mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
