I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just gift wrapped bread.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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