I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
