Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
