Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
