dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
