Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Randomize
