this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Randomize
