my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
