oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
