girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
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asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
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We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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