Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
