New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
