Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
