I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Those nachos came to me in a dream
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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