I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
