I'm going to rape someone's good day.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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