Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
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I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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