i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
