I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
we made out on top of his cat.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Randomize
