how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
