How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
