I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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