You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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