you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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