Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
