Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
