Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
