Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My ass is underappreciated
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
