i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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