I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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