that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
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